Monday, March 12, 2012

What DO I do? I need help.

I just wrote this hastily without much thought. Am also very tired. Also extremely frustrated angry and  in pain.
Forgive this"poem" I am upset and grieved. :(


So much anger that had been buried
Just to keep myself from further harm
Anger that I had a right to feel and express
But in the past has been quickly shot down

Now having learned the hard cruel painful way
To expect nothing from them who pretend
In front of others they are kind, good, and gracious
The epitome of generosity , helpfulness and understanding

But to their fragile trusting daughter
They control, manipulate, micro manage, scorn
Ignore  the good that is done
Make up false arguments
Just to bury guilty conscious more

Knowingly they dump
This truck load of shit
On my already weary back
I grit my teeth in pain  and anger

The familiar frustration rises in me
Rotting my bones from the  inside out.
I cry out to God in grief
Having been provoked again
By the ones I wanted to love
And have them love me back

Is this where I am really suppose to be?
In a place to only do the grunt work
Of ones who are so cruel and dishonest?

I am like a bomb now
All kindness and caring have fled from me
In it's place is wrath and black pain
Violence erupts from me from twisted roots
Planted in me
By ones that are called parents

Is there hope for me from God?
Will He understand and help me?
He could help me in an instant if He wanted to.

All I want is a gentle answer
A caring shoulder and an arm to hold me
Tell me it's going to be OK.
Let me heal from the past wounds
Please stop ignoring me, belittling me
I am me. I will heal on my own time.
I'm not here to please you
I'm not here to be your slave
Scapegoat or whipping boy.

You brought me into the world
Care for me and start being an example
Like I know and you know you should  be
Get rid of your unfair, unfounded preconceived ideas about me
And how it should be.
I'm not a robot but a human being
With my own timeline
Quit ignoring my illnesses
Thinking that I should not be ill by now
That's wrong and arrogant and completely  unfair
I know I stand by myself in this
For neither of you are not honest.

Yet other adults will always
Be swayed by your false charm,
Believing you over a child
Who is weak and has a broken mind.
I've seen this is true
And I hate it.

But at least I 'm still standing.
But not for long.
My body is breaking about from the stress
And abuse you arrogantly set upon me
I can't handle anymore.
I hate now.
I resent.
I can trust no one.
Not even myself.
You have done me the greatest wrongs
When you played your mind games
On one so young and trusting.
You twisted me up so bad
I could not even speak
I felt the cruel pain of your reactions
But could not stand against your bully might.
I have gone insane.
Who will believe an insane child
Over the smiling pretending ones who
Have succeeded in their deceit?

No one will.
But I'm tired of being used.
Used and  made to feel panic,, fear
Frustration and inferior.

Let God deal with you.
I want to be free,
But the only way
Is to be on my own.
I will die
But that seems like a relief right now.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Numb

Laying in bed, wrapped up in sheets
I hug the pillow to my aching heart.
The pain is so dreadful, it spread all over
rendering all my limbs as useless.

Leave me alone, I don’t want to get up.
The sun hurts my red rimmed eyes.
So the shades are shut, and I curl up
as the numbness continues to spread.

Yet it’s still there, the agony I feel.
It washes over me like a wave.
But I can’t move from my position.
So I drown in a sea of grief.
Weakened from to many wounds in life.

Silence is my companion,
welcomed more then a friend.
No more does my mind comprehend.
Confusion reigns as helplessness stays.
My life I wish to end.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

There Are NO Such Things As Ninjas

Hi everyone. I am just leaving a random post on a blog no one will look at except if advertised. I don't plan on doing that.  I am just going to write out one of the many weird convos me and my brothers had while sitting in the back seat of a car going through a drive through at a local fast food place.  For safety's sake I will change their names to Biff and Buzz.

Me: Hey, Biff! Look to your right! What do you see?
*both Biff and Buzz turn to look at the plain white side of the building next door*
Buzz:  I see only a building. What's the big deal?
Me: Noooooooo...It's not JUST a plain white building you know. There is a NINJA camouflaged in there.
Buzz: No there isn't!
Biff:  I don't see anything!
Me: *smugly*  You don't have a trained eye to see such things! He's right there! Posed as a white brick!
Biff: No there isn't! Besides, there are no such things as ninjas!
Me: *gravely* Now Biff. Don't be saying such things! Every time you say you don't believe in ninjas, somewhere in the world, a ninja drops DEAD! The only way to save them is if you clap really loud!
Biff: I DON'T BELIEVE IN NINJAS!!!!
Me: *in  a serious reproachful tone* Somewhere in the world a ninja has just died!
Biff:  I DON'T BELIEVE IN NINJAS!!!!
Me: *sighs* Great! Now look what you have done! Another ninja has just died! And it happened while he was on a mission disguised as a brick and spying on  a couple who were eating breakfast out on the patio.  He probably fell right on to their biscuits!

*Biff and Buzz laugh hysterically and both began shouting out,  "I DON'T BELIEVE IN NINJAS!!!! "*


*sighs*
Yes. It's just one example of the stimulating conversations we have.

But that's not all. We love to watch anime. One fav is Lupin the 3rd. It's a fun and hilarious anime that looks to be from the 1970's. I just love the concept of it. Well anyways, my brothers and I just spontaneously acted out this part from one of the episodes.
This is the part we had the most fun with. Love the melodrama! :P
Sorry for the poor quality. It's the best I could find.
Basically Lupin's two friends/partners in crime believe him to be dead by the hands of a notorious assassin. Of course Lupin is not only a master gentleman's thief but a master con artist too!
*whispers dramaticly*  He is not dead.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Kallista vrs. The Goat

Ann was right. After hours of riding th egoats, they made her take THEM for a pigy back ride.

Here is Kal giving a goat a ride with Pete the chicken, watching.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Kallista and The Lion King

The adult Lion looks like something cross between a beaver and a....a...I don't know what.
As for th egiraff...poor thing....Could not draw him well either.
As for the rest of the critters, use your imaginations. I was running out of time. :D Pretend you are hearing the beggining song of theLion King movie.





Here is another random Pic.



Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Dragona saves Kallista

Somewere in the jungles Kallista is about to become dinner for a den of hungry lions. Out of nowhere, Dragona swoops in, pets a lion and grabs Kallista before the lions know what is happening. He bravely carries her away swinging on a jungle vine.
                                                  Dragona, my hero! ;)





This was a bit hastily drawn. Some detail scould have been better, even if I'm not an artist. :D

Kallista Riding Ann's Goat.

Kallista Riding Ann's Goat. YEEHAAAAAW!!!!!!