Monday, March 12, 2012

What DO I do? I need help.

I just wrote this hastily without much thought. Am also very tired. Also extremely frustrated angry and  in pain.
Forgive this"poem" I am upset and grieved. :(

So much anger that had been buried
Just to keep myself from further harm
Anger that I had a right to feel and express
But in the past has been quickly shot down

Now having learned the hard cruel painful way
To expect nothing from them who pretend
In front of others they are kind, good, and gracious
The epitome of generosity , helpfulness and understanding

But to their fragile trusting daughter
They control, manipulate, micro manage, scorn
Ignore  the good that is done
Make up false arguments
Just to bury guilty conscious more

Knowingly they dump
This truck load of shit
On my already weary back
I grit my teeth in pain  and anger

The familiar frustration rises in me
Rotting my bones from the  inside out.
I cry out to God in grief
Having been provoked again
By the ones I wanted to love
And have them love me back

Is this where I am really suppose to be?
In a place to only do the grunt work
Of ones who are so cruel and dishonest?

I am like a bomb now
All kindness and caring have fled from me
In it's place is wrath and black pain
Violence erupts from me from twisted roots
Planted in me
By ones that are called parents

Is there hope for me from God?
Will He understand and help me?
He could help me in an instant if He wanted to.

All I want is a gentle answer
A caring shoulder and an arm to hold me
Tell me it's going to be OK.
Let me heal from the past wounds
Please stop ignoring me, belittling me
I am me. I will heal on my own time.
I'm not here to please you
I'm not here to be your slave
Scapegoat or whipping boy.

You brought me into the world
Care for me and start being an example
Like I know and you know you should  be
Get rid of your unfair, unfounded preconceived ideas about me
And how it should be.
I'm not a robot but a human being
With my own timeline
Quit ignoring my illnesses
Thinking that I should not be ill by now
That's wrong and arrogant and completely  unfair
I know I stand by myself in this
For neither of you are not honest.

Yet other adults will always
Be swayed by your false charm,
Believing you over a child
Who is weak and has a broken mind.
I've seen this is true
And I hate it.

But at least I 'm still standing.
But not for long.
My body is breaking about from the stress
And abuse you arrogantly set upon me
I can't handle anymore.
I hate now.
I resent.
I can trust no one.
Not even myself.
You have done me the greatest wrongs
When you played your mind games
On one so young and trusting.
You twisted me up so bad
I could not even speak
I felt the cruel pain of your reactions
But could not stand against your bully might.
I have gone insane.
Who will believe an insane child
Over the smiling pretending ones who
Have succeeded in their deceit?

No one will.
But I'm tired of being used.
Used and  made to feel panic,, fear
Frustration and inferior.

Let God deal with you.
I want to be free,
But the only way
Is to be on my own.
I will die
But that seems like a relief right now.